August 26, 2009

I am not dead

I will be back soon....

August 19, 2009

For your viewing pleasure

After much deliberation, I have finalized my 'Hot Babe Trifecta'. I know you are all so excited! Here they are in no particular order:

Eric Bana
Oh King Henry!

Gerard Butler
Did you see 300? Enough said.

Chris Pine
He can be my captain any day!

There is one honorable mention. This honorable mention may at any time turn this trifecta into a fourfecta.
James Marsden
He was so cute in 27 dresses.

August 18, 2009

Sunday Drive

Sorry about my little pity party the other day. I am trying to deal with it the best I can. Thanks for all the kind comments.
This last Sunday after church I went for a drive through the Alpine Loop. It was absolutely beautiful. I live in such a beautiful place, I feel bad that I take it for granted. It was a nice drive to clear my head and enjoy mother nature. I didn't take very many pictures so I will have to go back and take some more.

August 16, 2009

Smile through the tears

**This is a post in which I get personal and actually talk about some stuff.
Please don't judge and try to be understanding**

This last year has been extremely hard for me. I have tried to deal with it the best that I can, but I can't help but feel that even my best is not good enough. I try my best to keep a smile on my face and keep going. I have suffered from depression before in my life and I have tried really hard to not let myself get that way again. This is something that is easier said than done.

Many of you know that I was suppose to get married this year. I dated this guy for about a year before I finally had enough. This guy would tell me things about how fat I had gotten. That he didn't want me to meet his family because of my weight. After I confided in him some things from my past he told me that he loved me but no one else ever would. That I was boring, but I could change that if I really wanted to. There are many many other things but I am trying not to think about them.

I have realized that these things have affected me more than I let on. When I go out with friends I feel self conscience and I compare myself to them. Consequently I tend to not go out very often. I have created a safe cocoon in my house with my mom. I have enjoyed this time very much as there has not been much pressure to be happy, or be someone I am not. I have been able to strengthen my friendship with my mom, which has been really good for us. But it hasn't helped me move on at all.

I went on a date with someone a couple of weeks ago and while I had fun. I couldn't help but worry about things like: What if I am too fat to date him? What if I am too boring? All of my insecurities were there in the back of my mind. As much as I try I can't help but wonder what other people think of me. I can't help but worry about every little thing. I am so afraid of making a mistake that I don't take any risks.

I have let a big part of my personality die this summer. I have some good friends that are understanding and are there for me. But I have pushed them away and now I feel as though I am left alone to fight this fight. I don't know how to get out of this slump. I don't know how to find myself again. I feel like I am going to have recreate who I am. Its a very scary and daunting task ahead of me. I need to let go of the hurtful things that were told to me over and over again. I need to learn to understand that he was taking my insecurities and using them against me. I need to get over them and not let it effect every decision I make. It has been 4 months. I need to learn to understand that every disappointment I feel in my life is not related. These disappointments are not life shattering and I will be able to get through this.

I have made some goals to help me get over this. I need new hobbies, I need to meet new people. I need to feel like I have something to offer people. That my opinions matter. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Sorry about venting I just have been really down this weekend and I felt that maybe if I said it out loud (or typed it) it would make it easier to deal with. If it is out and in the open then I can't hide behind it anymore. One day I hope to be able to smile without being on the verge of tears, I hope that day is soon.

I hope you all have a very happy day!

August 6, 2009

I dont understand this

There are these fruit stands all over here (I am sure they are everywhere). They will let you pick a melon, and then they will cut it open and let you have a piece of it. Then you pick another one to buy. I don't understand why they let you taste one melon when obviously you wont buy that one. There is no guarantee that the melon you buy will taste like the melon you sampled. I wonder if you have a craving for a piece of melon you can just go and "sample" a piece and decide not to buy one. Maybe tomorrow I will make it my quest to find out.

Have a fabulous weekend, bloggers!

August 3, 2009

It finally happened

When Kate Gosselin said that everyone wants her reverse mullet haircut, she was kind of right. At least one unlucky soul is now sporting her haircut.
Seriously Heather...All that money from Sir Paul and you can't even get a decent hair cut. What is this world coming to?