June 30, 2011

Sometimes I don't think

For example, when I started my twitter account, I thought the name "Stephoria" was perfect. I never took into account that people would think I was a porn star. For the record, I'm not. That is one big fail for me.

June 6, 2011

The Curious Case of Mistaken Identity

A few months ago, I joined the super scary world on online dating. If I tell you I had a blind date 9/10 times its from online, there now you know all my little secrets. I have met some really nice and some really, I mean really weird guys. One such guy apparently has one of two things 1. He has multiple personality disorder or 2. Anger issues/Passive aggressive disorder.

This guy and I have been emailing for a few weeks, but I have never given him my number (blessings come in all shapes and sizes) Over the course of the weekend I received 6 emails from him. Because I like to share, I am posting them here. Don't say that I never did anything for you. I am helping you feel better about your life. I also left the misspelled words, this will help you feel better about your education.

CH* (Email 1): You misled med. By no means did I have thought of marriage, but you don't have someone spend money and then bail. Your friend had the nerve to bring up priesthood and relief society? Grow up? People who belong to those organizatons dont' cheat others. If you have honor, send me a $10 check to (He had his address here) I'm a student and funds are tight.P.S. Breaking something off over voicemail or IM is tacky.

CH (Email 2): I would still love yoru phone number to text or chat!

CH (Email 3): Cash or money order. Cankles. and get a real job

Finally I responded (you don't call me cankles and get away with it).

Me (Email 1): I am sorry that you were led on. But, I don't feel that I should pay for a date I didn't go on. I wish you luck in finding Miss Cankles. I am fairly certain you were not talking about me since, I have small ankles and a stellar job. Have a good night!

CH (Email 4): No I was talking about you. You approved the date and time and even agreed we should buy the tickets now. I don't care if you don't like me because you were simply something to pass the time with. I go for real blonds that are thin- picutre Zac's wife. Its just totally now cool to approve plans with a guy, have him spend money, and then bail via text. Ddin't you serve a mission? Missionries are supposed to tell someone face to face. Not claling was so weak. And sorry, working at the MTC is a great spiritual job but not a great job long term. It would have never worked out- I like intresting people and not BYU zoobies that chat non-stop about everything. Also, fight your own battles. Thats weak to have your pimple faced roomate write at me. Advice: next time around actually let your date talk so he feels part of the activity. My ears were ringing. That and lose 10 pounds.

Me (Email 2): I think you should take a second and click on the link that will take you to my profile and see who you are really talking to before you embarrass yourself further. I am going to pass on texting or chatting. It seems that maybe you need some time to work through some things.

CH (Email 5- The next day): My nineteen year old cousin got on my account and thought it would be hilarious to send mean messages to everyone on my message board. He is really anti-mission and needs to grou up. I would never do such a thing and I can't apologize enough. I didn't even ralize he had done this until this morning when I saw my emails. I am so embarasssed. I hope you can forgive me but understand if you can't. I'm so embarassed he would do this- he thought he was impressing his friends. I'm just horrified he would write such things. I'm not like that at all. You are such a nice perosn and I've enjoyed our talks so much. He and his family are leaving today (thank goodness). I hope I can explain. Again I'm so sorry. Obvioulsy I need to lock my profile so it requires the password everytime. Again, please forigive me. I have so enjoyed talking to you. I hope you give me another chance. Pleaes know how horrified I am that my cousin would do this. PS His mother found out and lets just say he is grounded.

CH (Email 6- Titled SORRRRYYYYY): Please believe me that someone hacked my account. You are obvioulsy a nice person and I would never say any of those things. I hope my messages in the past show what tiype of person I am and it the terrible messages were no written by my hand. My sincerest apologies. Please let ke know if you got this.

Lets recap mmmkay:
* His cousin knows way to many details. If it was a joke, wouldn't he have just stopped after one email instead of continuing and defending his email when I called him out on it.
* His cousin also has the same bad spelling and grammar.
* What 19 year old gets grounded?
*Zac and his wife should not socialize with CH anymore! Their marriage might start having problems since a winner like CH is attracted to that type of woman.
* I am not blonde and haven't been for years.
* I don't, I repeat don't have cankles.
* If you are that worried about $10, should you be going on dates? I am tempted to just send some cash his way. It sounds like he could use it. Maybe I should start a fundraiser and he can have the cash when he successfully passes English 1010.

Back to the drawing board. Do any of you have a cousin (not this one he is grounded), friend, neighbor, long lost uncle twice removed, doctor, banker, or friends friends brother that is single? It's got to be better than this.

CH=Cankle Hater. :)

April 25, 2011

Father Time...

I have need or is it want, for at least 8 more hours in the day. I just can't quite get everything done with the 24 hours that I have....and I am ex.haust.ed!

ayayay...These next few months might be the death of me

April 11, 2011

I got a pocket full of sunshine

Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you for finally getting your act together and sending spring. I appreciate looking out the window of my office and seeing the sun. However, if you allow it to snow again, we will be in a fight FOREVER!

April 7, 2011

When you're feeling fancy

Do you ever feel like an evening gown and strappy shoes are not enough to make the kind of impression you are going for? Well worry no more. To arrive in style, you no longer need to rent a town car, limo, or escalade. Just add some lashes to your headlights. Yeah you heard me right. Today in Park City, I was astonished with what I saw.

Why does all of this crap come from Utah and more importantly why do people buy it? In case you want your own set, they can be purchased here.

April 6, 2011

Goodbye my lover

Dearest Diet Coke,
You have been my saving grace on more than one occasion. You have always been there for me in my deepest time of need. I have sung praises to your name, and blessed your creators. I fell in love with you quickly and deeply.

In the past few weeks, I have started to feel differently towards you. The popping of the can, the burning of the bubbles, the rich caramel flavor, just hasn't been enough. To have you in my company has been more of an obligation than a joy.

I can no longer feel like a slave to you. I feel that it is best that we part ways. I wish you well. I hope that you will find many loyal fans who will stick with you through thick and thin. Right now, I need to do what is best for me. It's not you, it's me.

April 1, 2011

Fun Fact Friday

Maybe "Fun Fact Friday" was something that I made up on my way to work because I have nothing else to blog about, maybe it wasn't. Don't lie, I know you don't really care about my Stake Relief Society training last night. The one where all the wards except mine were given binders full of emergency preparedness plans...it's ok, we're single, we don't need to live...Will someone please feed my dog?

Regardless of how lame this post is you get know learn 8 (5 wasn't enough, ten was too many) random facts about me.

#1. I absolutely hate April Fools Day- Every year I wake up dreading it. I wonder how many fake babies are made and murdered each April 1st? It's a tragedy really...thousands of dead fake babies.

#2. Love sauerkraut on my hot dogs-I don't eat hot dogs all that often, when I do they are only all beef. Don't judge, I know you eat them too.

#3. I have never seen Star Wars-I don't plan on changing that either.

#4. I can say the ABC's backwards-Legitimately I will not just turn around and say them. That's what all the posers who want to be cool like me do.

#5. Some might say I am a rapper-While it is true I like to break it down with the boy bow-wow, I don't do free style...Ain't neva gonna happen.

#6. I LOVE broccoli-It's my favorite vegetable. It doesn't matter how it's cooked, or if it's cooked at all. I could eat it everyday!

#7. I have the fever-The Beiber Fever..Not really but I do have ONE song that may or may not be in my top 25 played list on itunes.

#8. I am the proud owner of a tuxedo t-shirt- This is for when I am feeling fancy. Nothing says, "I'm formal, but like to party" like a tuxedo t-shirt.

Well there you have it folks. Enjoy!!!

March 31, 2011

To the fish in the sea

Dear Internet Dating Site Boy #1,
Your cheesy pick up line won't work on anyone over the age of 15. Think of a new approach and try again. You can do this...girls are not that scary (well most of the time they are not). Good Luck!
I'm happy to help, but it's never going to happen with me.

Dear Internet Dating Site Boy #2,
You're hot, smart, funny, and charismatic. Please ask me out already!
The girl who is patiently awaiting your next email.

March 30, 2011

I'm just like a cat...I have 9 lives

6 months!!! My oh my where has the time gone. My life has been full of all sorts of adventure...ok, that's a lie. Unless you call working an adventure, which I don't. The truth is I am just lazy. I needed a break. My creative juices had run dry. Don't fear, I have been rejuvenated. This is mostly because my consumption of diet coke, and chocolate cookies has increased. Heaven bless the makers of diet coke, praise be their name.

So a couple of weeks ago, I decided to have a cookie decorating party for St. Patrick's Day. That is what we Mormons do; instead of drinking we bake. I went to go the store to get decorations, and Irish Creme Soda (what party would be complete without garland). Alas, the store was out of said items. I live in Utah, it was 5 pm on the day of this event, what was I thinking? I left the store in a hurry in hopes of making it to another one before my guests started to arrive. As I stepped off the curb, my ankle decided that it hated me. It gave out, causing me to tumble to my death (me dramatic...never) on Main Street. As I was laying in the gutter, cars were slowing down staring at the "poor little drunk girl" who fell down. I gathered all my courage and hobbled to my car, where I proceeded to cry.

The next day, I sucked it up and went to the doctors office. Turns out I have torn ligaments in both my ankle and knee, a bruised patella, and a possible meniscal tear. As if that wasn't bad enough a few days ago, the other side of my foot started to hurt. So I sucked it up again, and went back to the doctor. Now I have stress fractures in my foot. The worst part of this whole ordeal, aside from the pain, is that I have to wear shoes with arch support. Have you ever tried to find cute shoes with arch support? No, well count your lucky stars. No joke, my doctor wrote me a note to give to my work to excuse me from having to dress up. I wish that blasted note said that I could also wear my sweats and come in at noon.

I have to go back to the doctors office in a few weeks to check on my knee and make sure there isn't actually a meniscal tear. Moral of this story...watch out for curbs and killer ankles, they'll attack at any time. If you do find that you have been attacked, you should see if your doctors office has a frequent visitor rewards program so your 5th visit is free. I can promise you, you'll be going more than once.