August 16, 2009

Smile through the tears

**This is a post in which I get personal and actually talk about some stuff.
Please don't judge and try to be understanding**

This last year has been extremely hard for me. I have tried to deal with it the best that I can, but I can't help but feel that even my best is not good enough. I try my best to keep a smile on my face and keep going. I have suffered from depression before in my life and I have tried really hard to not let myself get that way again. This is something that is easier said than done.

Many of you know that I was suppose to get married this year. I dated this guy for about a year before I finally had enough. This guy would tell me things about how fat I had gotten. That he didn't want me to meet his family because of my weight. After I confided in him some things from my past he told me that he loved me but no one else ever would. That I was boring, but I could change that if I really wanted to. There are many many other things but I am trying not to think about them.

I have realized that these things have affected me more than I let on. When I go out with friends I feel self conscience and I compare myself to them. Consequently I tend to not go out very often. I have created a safe cocoon in my house with my mom. I have enjoyed this time very much as there has not been much pressure to be happy, or be someone I am not. I have been able to strengthen my friendship with my mom, which has been really good for us. But it hasn't helped me move on at all.

I went on a date with someone a couple of weeks ago and while I had fun. I couldn't help but worry about things like: What if I am too fat to date him? What if I am too boring? All of my insecurities were there in the back of my mind. As much as I try I can't help but wonder what other people think of me. I can't help but worry about every little thing. I am so afraid of making a mistake that I don't take any risks.

I have let a big part of my personality die this summer. I have some good friends that are understanding and are there for me. But I have pushed them away and now I feel as though I am left alone to fight this fight. I don't know how to get out of this slump. I don't know how to find myself again. I feel like I am going to have recreate who I am. Its a very scary and daunting task ahead of me. I need to let go of the hurtful things that were told to me over and over again. I need to learn to understand that he was taking my insecurities and using them against me. I need to get over them and not let it effect every decision I make. It has been 4 months. I need to learn to understand that every disappointment I feel in my life is not related. These disappointments are not life shattering and I will be able to get through this.

I have made some goals to help me get over this. I need new hobbies, I need to meet new people. I need to feel like I have something to offer people. That my opinions matter. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Sorry about venting I just have been really down this weekend and I felt that maybe if I said it out loud (or typed it) it would make it easier to deal with. If it is out and in the open then I can't hide behind it anymore. One day I hope to be able to smile without being on the verge of tears, I hope that day is soon.

I hope you all have a very happy day!


Kristin said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you can summon up the strength to barrel through this! Don't give that arse clown the power to make you doubt yourself!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Your ex fiance was cruel and insecure. He obviously had a low opinion of himself and that is why he picked on you.

I lived with a very insecure man (ex husband) for 15 years. During that time, he was incredibly cruel and the only way I knew to piss him off was to eat. I gained more weight than I'm willing to admit to on any blog post.

When I asked for the divorce, he said cruel things (he was embarrassed to introduce me to his friends and if I were thinner we'd still be married) However, he didn't get the fact that I asked and I had enough.

I struggle with weight, but learned to love me at any weight and you have to do that first.

I'm much larger than society, but dated anyway. I needed to know that someone would love me as is.

I met my husband in 2006 and he is wonderful, loving and confident. There is no need to put the other down.

You need to love yourself. Stop beating self up or believing the ex. It'll take some time and goals are great.

HAYD & AUBS said...

I'm soooo sorry that you have been through all of that! What a stupid guy to say that and make you feel that way! Steph, you are beautiful and I hope you come to gain that confidence again. This guy was insecure and you are lucky to not have him in your life anymore. Please let me know if I can do anything to help -- even if it's just a Girls Night Out!!! :D Te quiero!

Kristina P. said...

Stephanie, I hope I'm not out of line, but have you considered meeting with a therapist? I did about 3 years ago, to deal with an anxiety issue, and it helped tremendously.

In fact, in addition to my stomach problems, I have had 2 panic attacks since changing my schedule, which I have never had before, and am considering it again.

I think it's always helpful.

Erin said...

Oh, I know I shouldn't hate him, but I'm really, really not liking that guy. I didn't so much before, but I REALLY don't like him now!
Dear girl, like Kristina P. said, therapists are really wonderful. Remember when I met with one? I have the number for a really great therapist. This is your time to do for yourself right now. Don't let the dude get you down like this. We give people permission far too often to do so, and it's not right. You need to see the worth that you have, and you need to see it soon! Don't delay! I'll even call the therapist for you. He's wonderful.
Let me know. Love you!

Rebecca said...

oh, steph, I had no idea you were struggling so much! I love you and I think you are wonderful and beautiful and full of worth just the way you are!
I agree with what you said about not letting those mean things that were said to you affect your daily life and decisions. That's easier said than done, but I believe a therapist could help you with that. In the mean time, meeting new people, taking up new hobbies, keeping busy in general and reaching out to friends can help a lot--at least it did for me. I'm gonna call you next time I'm doing something fun so you can come along, okay? Love you! You are awesome!

Callie said...

Steph, I think you are stunning and have a beautiful soul. I don't think you need a therapist. I think you need time. I went thru a period of this myself a few years back after a bad breakup. You are a literal daughter of God and that is beauty in and of itself. He loves you, knows you the best, and has a plan for you. Stay close to him and he will guide you in that plan. Pray often and be yourself. Mr. Right is out there, and he's worth waiting for. Besides, he'll be the best thing for you because he's handpicked for you.

Jessica said...

This guy sounds like a total douche to not see the strong and beautiful woman he had infront of him and not recognize it. I know so many people like that, who need to put people down for them to feel better about themselves. You just need to try and forget those things and if you feel the need to reinvent a new you: make sure a lot of the same qualities stay because that's what makes you YOU. If you feel down, I recommend you get yourself involved in some type of group activity or even some group fitness classes. You will be able to meet new people and also feel healthy. You will be able to take out some of that stress so you can have more room to enjoy yourself. I love you girl! you deserve a great man and you will find him. Don't give up. Heavenly Father is there for you, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Allison said...

Hey Darling, I can really relate to your post. I go through the same sort of problems. It doesn't seem like anyone has the magical answer either. So much of it we just have to do for ourselves. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm content being single, but I don't know that it's a good thing.

So many girls go through want you're going through.YOu're a very pretty girl, and obviously your ex knew exactly how to get under your skin and make you insecure. I'm insecure about THE SAME STUFF! What a jerk for being so cruel.

Best wishes Girl!

Nicole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jared and Tiffany said...

Steph do you remember the guy who broke up with me cuz I didn't dress nice enough and I never looked good enough for him?
I remember you once telling me what a jerk he was and it made me mad. Im really thankful that you told me that! He was an a-hole! Im sorry you had to deal with someone who was just as shallow if not more!

Terralee said...

Oh, sweetie! I'm sorry I haven't been there for you like I should've been! Honestly though you need to remember good things about yourself which I'm sure can be hard. But you are so beautiful and I hope you realize that. I've always hated you a little for your flawless complexion(ok maybe hate is a little strong but still you get the picture). You seem to always find the positive in other people and you need to find that in yourself. I'm sorry that the retard exists! Don't let those damaging thoughts stay in your head, light them on fire! I love you!

Kelsey K. Hartley said...

Oh my goodness, I had no idea that a guy would actually say those things out loud to a woman, let alone someone he intended to marry. What an idiot. No one's perfect, but geez what a douche!

Everyone suffers to some degree. My preferred method on beating the blues is exercise, the great outdoors and cinematherapy.

Exercise burns off negative energy and creates endorphins. The great outdoors shows the beauty of the earth and brings a sense of peace. While watching movies is both fun and cathartic.

Love you! You and my sister should write a book together on what dumb guys say and do. I swear!

Gene and Lorie Brinkerhoff said...

My Dearest Stephanie,
I have not had time in the past few months to do more than take a glance at your blog now I wish I had. I want you yo know a few things about you that I see
You are a very kind person to those aroung you. You have a great personalty and you love your family. You love your god and he loves you. You are not fat and to the guy who said that next time you see him tell him to kiss you butt. As you well know I live with a man for 23 years that was demeaning and cruel and NO One should do that I messes with your head for a long long time. If you need to talk to someone I will be glad to tell you what a pig this man was to you
I love you and want you to know you are a special women and NEVER let a man put you down again or I will kick your butt
Love your Aunt Lorie